I can’t avoid life’s circumstances and situations. Being present, staying engaged and fully in the moment during the unpleasantries of life can create a restlessness within my spirit. The restlessness doesn’t allow me to be still and center myself. Instead I find myself trying to figure out ways to get out of this mess, stop the discomfort and move on to the “happy”. I am realizing that I have to settle in and make my current space a home. This means being ok with being uncomfortable. It means being intentional about finding my power in a vulnerable state and using it to create respite where I am. This means not wasting my imagination on fantasizing about living a different life, but allowing myself to make a fortified home within that withstands any type of weather. Today I’m grateful to the Creator for the pillars in my life that support me and all the hand-me-downs of wisdom that help keep up my perspective.
The frantic mind never stops racing. When it pauses in defeat it reloads and picks up right where it left off. Several years ago I discovered that there is no perfect me, but my thoughts keep on concocting ways to fix my brokenness. When I realize that there is no quick fix I feel my soul collapse inside my body. When I stay within myself as the center of my universe, time stops, but I continue to sink deeper into my “me”. Is this hell? All me, all the time?
My way of escape is to acknowledge that I do not exist in isolation. I ask for forgiveness realizing that I am a part of a larger narrative a true reality outside of my “me”. A reality that is moving and breathing. The “now” that is desiring and needs my full presence. The “now” includes things that I dread doing or am fearful of, the people who I am in relationship with and places that I need to be. I am still praying that I will be brave and that I can except my brokenness. I am praying I can surrender to humility so that my mind can retire from the marathon.
It has been over a month since my last post and I hate myself for it. Alright, so I don’t hate myself, but I would have really liked to have gotten into a weekly flow by now. Instead after I got freshly pressed back in February I got stuck. I felt that whatever I posted after ” The Epic Creative Flow” had to be profound and insightful. However, by placing that expectation on myself I could no longer operate in freedom. I could no longer allow my experiences to speak. My words were no longer authentic.
The inner conflict of the perfectionist is that she is eternally working toward fixing what she perceives as being eternally broken. So I’m going to take my perfectionist self, dishevel her hair and pull out her well tucked shirt. I’m going to take her to places where she is going to get messy. I’m going to introduce her to grace. Hopefully I can allow my two realities to converge and integrate by resting in simply being.
I have always been fascinated by the thrill seekers. The skydivers and extreme sport athletes, the ones who belong to the adventurous tribe, that scour the mundane of its safety and evoke in the rest of us the trepidation we have about the unknown. I have always thought that if I could jump out of a plane or jump from a cliff into the ocean I would be cured of all my fears and live everyday triumphantly. Well, I never built up the courage to jump. In fact, I didn’t jump at all, into anything. Instead, my thrills were obtained from how many times I could say “no” to the adventures that emerged from out of my mundane. It took a lot of work to avoid participating in activities that I wanted to do as a kid, it took much effort to quit perusing my interests and I had to use all sorts of techniques to maneuver out of the hands of purpose. It was exhausting.
Swimming against the current of possibility and the rhythms of life hinders us from riding waves of grace.
Fast forward many years and here I am, trying to breathe and walk in my own shoes. I’m taking the risk to love and forgive myself, to practice humility and freely give as it has been given to me. One way I am practicing this is by allowing myself to experience joy in the nuances of motherhood.